The moaning. The groaning. The screaming. The yelling. The mass hysteria. People eating other people’s faces. We all know it’s coming; the famed Zombie apocalypse. We just don’t know when or where. But we have our weapons locked and loaded. Our supplies are strategically placed about the country side. The bug-out bag is packed and sitting next to the door in anticipation of the alarms heralding the end of the world. Our evacuation plan is memorized and we can deploy it in our sleep. So what’s left to strategize? Our outfit, of course! And I’m not talking about those little skimpy, Playboy Playmate outfits that Alice wears, either.
This just screams ‘walking buffet.’
When choosing a shirt for fighting the zombies, avoid light or bright colors as they will not only display the blood and gore like a billboard, they will also scream “come eat me!” to the mindless enemy. Instead, opt for colors that will not only hide the guts of your enemy as they splatter across your six pack abs, but it will also camouflage you from your enemy. Unless, of course, your name is Rainbow Brite and you live in RainbowLand.
Shirts and pants come in many patterns of camouflage and are fairly inexpensive; obtainable on any budget. What’s more, they are readily available in almost all retails stores from Walmart to Macy’s.
If it’s good enough for the terminator…
Not any pair of pants will hold up to the abuse of running, jumping, scaling fences, kicking down doors, hand to dead combat, or other lifesaving activities. They should not only offer support in all the right places, they should also be durable and heavy duty to resist and repel the clawing and grabbing action of downed zombies. Leather offers easy cleaning, where Carhart work jeans have tough denim that is resistant to rips and tears.
Also look for added value like lifetime replacement warranties and cargo pockets to hold small weapons and extra ammunition.
Aggressive yet stylish.
One of the most important items in this ensemble has to be what’s on the feet. Footwear needs to offer ankle support, durability, and be sturdy. A pair of steel toed boots would be a good investment; however, they tend to be a bit heavier than their Kevlar counterparts.
Look for a boot that is tough enough to prevent punctures, and has a slip resistant sole that helps guard against slips, trips and falls in undead blood, guts and gore. Waterproof or water-resistant boots help keep feet dry when working or battling in moist conditions or outdoors. You can go from winning to being an appetizer in a heartbeat if your footwear lets you down while standing in a puddle of zombie intestines.
Even a spot for your chapstick!
A good utility vest will hold all your much needed supplies, ammunition, and valuables within easy reach. Look for rip stop material that is also breathable and light weight. Again, avoid bright colors and opt for shades that blend into the environment; be it camouflage, black, brown, or tan.
Sexy, cute, but a nightmare to clean.
Unlike men’s clothing, women’s fashion designers seldom consider the end of the world when designing a beautiful yet useful blouse or shirt. Look for a good fitting top that isn’t baggy or has appliques that can get caught up on nails, fences, or the grasping hands of death. Opt for subdued colors and fabrics that are stain resistant or wash and wear.
Combining practicality with sexy will not only insure victory in the war against the walking brain-munchers, it can also score you a date with the surviving alpha male. I’d call that a win.
Goes from casual to kick-ass in a heartbeat
Going from kick ass during the day to a little quiet time around the camp fire at night normally requires at least one outfit transformation. In the future, zombies aren’t going to offer up time for a wardrobe change. So, pants will have to be both hard working, gore repelling and good looking while sitting around waiting for the next attack wave.
After a hard day of defending your life, the last thing on your mind is going to be doing laundry. Leather pants can easily be washed off while being worn so you can concentrate on the more important things like cooking a mighty fine dinner over an open fire. Don’t forget about cracking open a nice bottle of Cabernet Franc to go with those juicy steaks you scored at the abandoned grocery store earlier. Alpha male will be very impressed with not only your zombie stomping skills, but equally awed by the fantastic meal you present in gratitude for another successful day of surviving almost impossible odds.
How far could you run in these?
Yes, it is very tempting to go for those gorgeous Fez Booties by Dolce Vita. But ask yourself, exactly how far do you think you could make it with walking maggot farm hell bent on chowing down on your grey matter? That’s what I thought. Chose a boot that, like the man’s footwear, offers ankle support as well as a non-slip sole and is water resistant or water proof. You’ll thank me later.
Every girl needs one.
While big and studly is carting around all the extra ammunition and supplies in his riot gear type vest, your utility belt can be used for the important things like your pistols, a sports bottle of water and Chap Stick. You would not believe how draining fighting off blood thirsty hordes can be. Remember to hydrate and moisturize. You want to be kissable when he realizes the enemy has been neutralized and he needs to celebrate by planting a big ole wet one on your lips. Aw, amore!
Yes, your fighting and surviving skills will most likely save your life and get you far when the time comes. Looking your best while fighting off the brain-slurping masses may not seem all that important now. But, if you are one of the few remaining humans left, it will probably boil down to who is the most attractive when it comes time to repopulate the planet. So, in the end, strut your stuff while hacking and slashing the moaning, groaning undead. It’s only a matter of time.