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How To Prepare For A Spider Attack

by Terrye

There you are, enjoying a much needed rest from a hectic week; kicking back with your feet up on the coffee table, enjoying a little face time with your favorite flat screen tv, bowl of cheezy-poofs at your side. The dog is outside barking at squirrels and hopefully annoying the neighbors, and Mr. Fluffy is in his usual spot, facing into the corner, staring at the same invisible spot again today. Out of all the felines in the world, you have to get the dumb one.

Then all of the sudden, the slightest movement out of the corner of your eye catches your attention. You turn your head a smidge, just in time to see a hairy leg ease up over the corner of the table. You hold your breath as the leg pulls up the rest of your nightmare; a spider. Without warning, the spider catapults itself at your unprotected feet on the coffee table. The bowl of cheezy-poofs is rocketed into the air and baked cheesy goodness rains down upon the living room and Mr. Fluffy. You look around for your trusty baseball bat or flamethrower and remember that little Timmy is at little league with said baseball bat. And your favorite flamethrower is at the shop for its annual lube and filter change. What do you do?

The Flip Flop
Like liquid lightning, your flip flop is removed from your foot and instantly wielded in your hand as the ancient spider slaying master taught you oh so long ago. The spider hesitates as you stand, poised, waiting for the eventual final pounce. You stare at each other in a classic Spanish Stand-off, the corner of your eye twitches. In a flash, the spider makes its final lunge and you strike with deadly force, splashing spider guts across the table and spilled cheesy-poofs. The flip flop worked this time. But what if the next round of the invasion, the spiders are bigger and scarier?


The Magazine
As you lay in bed, contemplating your busy day of channel surfing and cleaning up cheesy-poofs, it occurs to you just how unprepared you are for another spider attack. You imagine the possibility of a spider silently making its way across the ceiling in the middle of the night. It patiently waits for you to wake up in the morning so it can surprise you with a good morning ‘BOO’ as it drops from the ceiling commando style onto your chest. How will you defend against it? You look around and find a pathetic, skinny magazine looking forlorn. You roll it up into a tube and test its mettle against the palm of your hand. It promises it will give its last page if war breaks out. You go to bed, confident in your little soldier’s ability to watch over you as you sleep.

The Book
After an uneventful night, morning dawns with a renewed battle plan. You wander around the house, taking inventory of possible weapons in the defense of life and limb. In the bathroom, buried behind the Cosmo and Field and Stream magazines, sulks the unread 2003 New York Times Best Seller listed novel. You consider its heft and decide that should the attack come as you are partaking in your morning rituals upon the porcelain perch, a book will dispatch a spider with due diligence. And good thing you are sitting on the commode as you would probably soil yourself if you were to be attacked that early in the morning and before your morning coffee.

Eight Legged FREAKS!

The Fly Swatter
Eventually, you make your way into the kitchen to rummage for nourishment to keep the battalions of spider defenders in battle ready form when you spy a lonely fly swatter hanging on a nail next to the door. You free it from its shackle and give it a few flicks of your wrist. It ffffsssssstttttssss through the air with confidence and grace, pledging its undying loyalty to defending against any and all attackers, be it fly or arachnid. With awe at its devotion, you replace it upon its nail and face the plate of breakfast toasties with pride in your new found army. A peace overtakes you as you polish off the last tasty morsel.

The Defense Later in the day, while finishing the never ending channel surfing, a commercial catches your attention. It spins a tale of unbridled protection against any and all invading forces. With one magic spray, you can protect your abode from ants, termites, creepy crawlies, and YES, the dread spider. For only a paltry sum of 19.95, you too can possess the best defense against that which haunts you. You dive for the phone and like a Jedi Master, contact the eager sales rep and place your order with overnight delivery. They process your credit card and thank you for your purchase. You click the off button, and all is again right in your world. You smile and sink back down into the embracing folds of the sofa as Mr. Fluffy stands guard against the invisible spot in the corner. You smile and make a mental note to pick up a friend for Mr. Fluffy tomorrow.

(Disclaimer: No actual spiders were hurt during the writing of this hub, well, ok maybe one or five – sorry cclitgirl. And then there was that elderly llama…)

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