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The Ghost Of My Dreams

by Terrye

There are few shows that the Benevolent Benefactor (BB) and I can agree on without getting into a knockdown, drag out wrestling match. (S)He who arises holding the remote is temporarily declared the victor and awarded with dictating the viewing pleasures for the evening. That is, until the ‘winner’ gets up to go to the bathroom or gets a snack and then they lose all rights to what’s on the TV. Stealth and conniving evil genius is rewarded in this family. However, the one show that we both love is Ghost Adventures.

Most of the time, BB is rooting for the dead guys while I quietly admire Zac’s tattoos and ponder his fashion choices (lose that goofy baseball hat with the wide brim, seriously!). But we both giggle when Nick or Aaron run like little girls after a ghost just scared the crap out of them.

There’s just something funny about a grown man squealing like a piglet as you watch his backside disappear through the front door for the safety of the support vehicle. I’m pretty sure I’d crap my tightie whities at least once if I ever heard a growling voice tell me to get the hell out of his musty, dusty dilapidated building.

Say hello to my little friend.

I’m just wondering, if I ever did get a chance to pull up a chair and have a real dialogue with a dearly departed, would I have the where withal to ask them the meaning of life questions. Eh, probably not. But I do have some things that have been bugging me for a while and some of the answers I’d probably get in return.

1. Do you remember how you died?

“Yes, I remember how I died. I’m dead, I’m not stupid! And thank you for bringing up the single most traumatic event of my existence!”

2. Paper or plastic?

“Paper.  We wouldn’t want plastic filling up our ethereal landfills now would we? Idiot.”

3. Do you ever get hungry?

“Duh, starving right now! And since it’s a little difficult to cook, I just pop over to Chef Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen for nibble. He’s so busy telling everyone to ‘Fuck Off’ that he never notices me.”

4. What do you think of Zac Bagans? Ain’t he just to die for?!

“You weren’t the smartest kid in your paranormal class, were you?”

“It was a study at home course.”

“Of course it was.”

5. If you could send one message to the living, what would it be?

“Go towards the light.”

6. Do you ever get lonely being a ghost?

“Not at all. It’s a lot like a retirement community over here. We have weekly bingo games and potlucks. Once a month, we all jump on a party bus headed for Vegas. Last month, your Great Aunt Margaret made a killing at the Blackjack tables.”

“You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”

“Well, it’s easier than rearranging all the furniture or levitating a table.”

Box of Twinkies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

7. What do you miss the most from when you were alive?


“Twinkies are dead.”

“Hells bells, I gotta get my happy ass down to the corner store! Gimme a ride?”

8. What is your favorite thing about haunting?

“I love scaring the bejeezus out of moronic trespassers waving around voice recorders when I just wanna say ‘howdy’ into the blinking red light.”

“You have a collect call from the other side, do accept the charges?”

9. Could you give my grandmother a message for me?

“Sure, why not? What’s her cell phone number?”

“She’s dead, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a cell phone.”

“Then how am I supposed to give her your message?”

“Don’t you have some sort of ghost messaging system?”

“Do I look like the ghost of a dead operator or something?”

10. Why do you only come out at “Witching Hour?”

”Cuz that’s when the maid is over to straighten the place up and it interrupts my Facebook time.”

11. Is there anything that you wish you could go back and do over?

“Yeah, not die. What kind of stupid question was that? Don’t you have anything better?”

12. Who wins the next Presidential election?

“Really? I’m a friggin’ ghost, not a fortune teller. I think you need to go home and do some serious rethinking of your interviewing prowess, cuz you really suck.”

Come to the Dark Side, Luke! We have cookies!

13. Ok, how about this: Is the battle between good and evil real?

“Have you ever been on a diet and argued with yourself over eating that cookie?”

“Yes, many a time.”

“There ya go.”

14. This one is from my llama: Do you get bored watching people and ever chill and just watch TV with them?

“You have a llama? I want a llama.”

“Yer dead, how would you feed it?”

“The same way I’d watch TV.”

Maybe the ghosts, the world, and I would be better off with my ass firmly planted on the sofa and leaving the ghost hunting to the professionals. Even if the paid talent does seem to spend most their time talking to the air and getting nada in return. Hm. Perhaps I’m more qualified than I thought. I can see it now, “The Adventures of the Mommy Ghost Hunters.”

Qualifications to be considered: 1. Ability to face ill-tempered spirits in the face without blinking – think toddlers at nap time. 2. Can stay up all night and still look fabulous the next day – ok, the fabulous might be a stretch, but what mommy hasn’t stayed up all night with a sick kid and was still expected to carry on as usual when the sun came back up?

3. Stands firm when all hell breaks loose – terrible twos melt down, nuf said.

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