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A Parent’s Guide To Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse

by Terrye

A family that slays together,stays together!

Are You Ready?
There has been much focus on how to prepare and hopefully live through the pending zombie vs. the living mêlée. Not so much when it comes to survival planning if you are a parent with one or more small children in tow. So, what does a ‘prepping’ parent need to guarantee the survival of not only themselves but their cherished offspring? In addition to the usual guns, knives, apparel, etc. consider the following:

1. Snacks & Beverages
Remember the last time you buckled your child in their car seat for a quick trip to the store and they screamed the whole way like you sold their favorite blanket to an evil terrorist organization plotting the takeover of Disneyland? All because they wanted a handful of Goldfish that you decided not to bring this one time?


Yeah, now imagine that about a thousand times worse and while you are trying to be stealthy and sneak out of town in the middle of a horde of undead wanting to fondue your brain matter. Pack ALL of their favorite snacks and beverages. It could be the difference between keeping the munchkins quiet and ringing the zombie dinner bell.

2. Rear-end Paraphernalia
Fending off a groaning, slobbering meat puppet is not the time to be worrying about trying to find a diaper and wipes for a quick change or potty break. The best bet would be to enshroud your child’s hinny in plastic training pants and schedule a rest stop where things are a little calmer and safer. Unless, of course, little Johnny decided to complicate things with diarrhea, which leads me to the next ‘must have’ to pack.

Get one of everything!

3. Drugs
No, not the illegal kinds, this is a family show. It never fails, whenever a child senses a disturbance in the force, they will develop a fever and a cough, if you’re lucky. If you aren’t lucky, they’ll toss in vomiting and diarrhea for a little added excitement. Make sure you have every pediatric OTC (over the counter) remedy known to mankind in your bug-out bag. Examples: children’s Advil, Tylenol, Pepto Bismo, cough syrup, and anything else you routinely use for what ails them.

4. Supply Stashes
Make mini-stashes of your needed supplies along all escape routes. Don’t forget to include surprises for the future mini-zombie slayers to encourage them to behave and remain quiet during your evacuation. Those little incentives can come in handy during the heat of battle when the wee ones are freaking out and broadcasting to all the zombies in a 50 mile radius.

Billy, if you stop screaming, mommy will give you a surprise at the next resupply stop. There’s a new Lego Angry Birds play set in it for you if you can use your inside voice for the next 30 minutes and stop making the mean zombies angry. Get that out of your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been! It could have zombie drool on it!

Zombie fighting is exhausting!

5. Wagon vs. Stroller
Asking a child or children to walk, or more realistically, to run your escape route is pure insanity. Procuring a wagon or stroller with all terrain wheels not only allows you to control the pace of your escape, but it also allows you to keep an eye on the kids. Toss in a couple of toys and a snack and they will be happy little clams in their apocalyptic-styling ride. They might even opt for a nap while you are slicing and dicing staggering speed bumps.

While strollers are lighter and may offer an easier way to shuttle the children from one life and death moment to the next, I prefer the wagon as it provides more space to stash supplies, depending on the make and model. And, as most wagons are constructed of metal or plastic, easy cleaning is a plus in my book. Wagons can also serve double duty as a make shift tub for those impromptu baths when accidents happen. What kid wouldn’t mess their pants after watching mommy separate the crazy neighbor’s head from their body?

6. Entertainment
After a while, the trauma and shock of watching Mommy and Daddy hack and slash their way through a sea of walking nightmares will wear off and the kiddos will become bored. It’s a given. To entertain them while you ensure the survival of the next generation, pack a supply of toys, books, and games to keep their hands and minds busy, and preferably, quiet.

7. Have A Plan

“In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Once the hammer drops and it’s time to make for the hills, take a moment to explain to the junior crowd what has happened and what is about to happen. Don’t forget to include important tasks that they are responsible for, like being as quiet as possible, no fighting with their siblings, no crying until Mommy or Daddy says its ok, don’t pet zombie dogs, and keep all their body parts inside the vehicle while it’s in motion.

Final Thoughts
When it comes to being locked and loaded for the upcoming Zombie vs. The Living death match, families with small children don’t have to give up and throw in the towel. Instead, with a little planning and a lot of child friendly bribes, they can make it through the madness just like all the big, bad mercenary types. The hard part will be scheduling those play dates after the end of the world.

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