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The Proper Care And Feeding Of A Cowboy

by Terrye

They might appear to be sweet talking and oh so gentleman like, but what’s really hidden in those tight fittin’ Wranglers? (No, not that, get yer mind out of the mud!) If you decide to head down to your local Honky Tonk to pick out a cowboy of your very own, there are a few things to consider before you woo him off of his barstool. Are you willing to put up with his untamed ways? Would it embarrass you to have a rusty old pick up covered in mud sitting in your driveway? Can you live with a saddle propped up against the sofa? While you ponder those questions, here are a few things you might need to know to keep your cowboy healthy and happy.

1. Never, Ever Ask Him To Change.

This is the way you found him and this is the way he’s gonna be when he rides off into the sunset. If you ask him to give up his chew, his beer, his truck, or his friends, this will only expedite his packing up and hitting the dusty trail. It’s a lot like asking a cow not to moo or a kitten to stop being cute. It just ain’t gonna happen and you might as well get used to having spit bottles and empty beer cans as your new fashionable décor.

2. Never Let Him Make The Coffee.

Cowboys are notorious for making the world’s worst coffee. Their philosophy is ‘it ain’t coffee unless the spoon stands up in it.’ Not only is it used for a morning wake up, it’s also used as lubricant for farm equipment, a medicinal salve, patch work for holes in fiberglass, and chewing tobacco when there isn’t a store within a hundred miles. It’s also rumored to kill ticks and tapeworms in dogs.

3. Get Used To Muddy Boots And Dirty Trucks.

It all boils down to working hard and playing even harder. After a full day of working cattle, farming fields, and lookin’ good, a cowboy has to let off a little pent up energy. This usually involves beer, a lot of mud, a bull or a big ole truck, a bonfire, and a bunch of good friends. If you’re really lucky, he’ll invite you out for a midnight swim or giggin’ frogs. Be honored, he doesn’t take just any girl to his favorite, quiet places.

4. Grub – Chow – Feed Bag.

Cowboys love their food to be tasty yet simple; chili, steaks, potatoes, prime rib, beans, wild game, beer, potato salad, and more steak. And spicy. But be wary if your cowpoke chows down on a combination of beer and beans. The future emissions emanating from your cowboy will rival a sewage lagoon in Satan’s sanitation department. Hope and pray that he’ll be ridin’ the range for the next couple of days or your nose hairs may never grow back. That’s the reason there’s always a “Stinky Joe or Pete” in every cowboy gang.

5. Lies, Fibs, and Whoppers.

Cowboy’s never lie. Ever. They embellish. But there’s always a sliver of truth in every tall tale they tell; the hard part is wading through all the bullshit to get to it. If he starts a story with “No shit, so there I was…” you’re in for a doosie. Pull up a chair, crack open a cold, tall one and enjoy the ride. It’ll be memorable to say the least.

So You Still Want One?

My cowboys

You might be thinking that a cowboy sound just like any other male creature out there. So what makes him so different? Is it because he wears cowboy boots? Or maybe it’s because he rides a horse? In some ways they’re like all the other guys out there, but the differences can be boiled down to character and a little something called ‘gumption.’

And what is gumption? Well, basically, it’s practical common sense (or lack thereof?) and the courage to take whatever action is needed (“You say that bull’s never been ridden? Hell, gimme a rope and I’ll ride ‘em!”). You don’t usually have to tell him something twice (more like five or six times – “How many times do I have to tell you to wipe those muddy boots off before you come into the house?”). So, if you’re lucky enough to hog-tie yourself a cowboy, stock the fridge with his favorite beer, buy a spittoon, and count your lucky stars. Your life will never be the same. Ye-haw!

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