If I could hang out with any celebrity, it would be…
Sasquatch: that big, hairy, cagey dude that shies away from the spotlight and accidentally terrorizes folks that wander too far away from civilization and find themselves lost in his neighborhood. Why? For exactly those reasons, of course. Don’t think he’s a celebrity? He’s had documentaries made about him. Researchers spend their whole lives trying to uncover the mysteries surrounding his supernatural life.
I’d pick out a nice little forest clearing close to dusk when the birds are singing their good nights and the lightning bugs are starting to set the mood lighting. The ground cloth would be set with all of Mr. Bigfoot’s favorite dishes: a seasonal salad of pine twigs and birch bark, ice cold stream water, road kill du jour, and a light dessert of frost kissed berries.
To invite him in, I’d perform the secret ritual of tree knocking – three solid bangs made by striking a large tree with a hefty log. One or two bangs could be confused with trees falling in the forest and who knows if anyone would hear that. Any more than three at a time is considered in poor taste and I wouldn’t want to offend the big guy. After a few moments, while he decides if his schedule is free, I’d let out a long, bone chilling howl, letting him know that the press wasn’t invited. If he accepts, I would respond to him with several hoots and a couple of quick yelps so he can hone in on my location and not confuse me with the local coyotes or wolves that might be trying to trick him into giving up his favorite hunting spot.
After he arrives in his red carpet style with his entourage of feet in all shapes and sizes, I’d encourage him to take a seat at my carefully laid out picnic. Once we exchanged pleasantries, I’d ask him if he minded answering a few questions that have been on almost everyone’s mind since he made his first public appearance in 1967 before Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin in Bluff Creek, California.
TT: Mr. Sasquatch, do you mind if I call you Squatch?
TT: I understand that you’ve had a falling out with Bobo.
TT: Ok, I can understand you not wanting to talk about that. Hurt feelings and all. I heard rumors that you have been sighted all across the world. Are you fond of traveling or are those body doubles used to throw the paparazzi off your trail?
TT: Indeed! Is it true that you aren’t really a hunter but actually favor the ‘gatherer’ lifestyle?
BF: *yawn* *scratch*
TT: I’m sorry, these questions must be boring you. How about we shake things up a little and throw politics into the mix? What are your views on the sudden rising costs of insurance premiums since President Obama introduced ‘Obamacare?’
Barack Obama signing the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act at the White House (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
TT: I know, it’s a very controversial topic and a lot of businesses are a little up in arms as well. Some are even going as far as cutting their workforce back to less than 30 hours a week.
TT: Yeah, I agree, I think when the dust settles, the landscape of the American workforce will have changed a lot.
TT: If you could work with any director in the world on your next documentary to give it a real life feel, who would be on your short list?
BF: Ang Lee, he is an incredible director and I’ve respected his work for a number of years.
TT: *shocked look*
TT: Ok, I wasn’t expecting that answer. I thought you would have gone with Spielberg, but to each his own. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get a little personal now.
TT: Has anyone ever suggested maybe a makeover? I mean, you’ve got the whole ‘wild man’ look down, but it’s so Stone Age. Perhaps it’s time to get a new look, maybe a little more Cosmopolitan in comparison to your très chic woodsy undertones.
TT: I’m not saying you don’t look utterly fabulous, I just thought you might be able to attract a whole new audience of fans with a new look without putting off your loyal followers. Mea Culpa. One last question before I let you go – what safety message would you like to share with our readers?
BF: “Don’t turn your bathroom into a library. Restrict your toilet time to 5 minutes per sitting, if you can. Sitting on the toilet can put undue pressure on your blood vessels, leading to hemorrhoids. So bowel specialists advise patients not to use the toilet for anything other than strictly business.” – Safety Tips.
TT: I’ll keep that in mind when I write up my interview. Thank you, Squatch, I appreciate your honesty and for taking time out of your busy schedule to break a few twigs with me. May you have a wonderful evening of tree knocking, howling, and rock throwing.
Or maybe I’d just opt for an evening with the cast from “The Big Bang Theory.” BAZINGA!