Violations of the Writer’s Covenant
The day started like most any other day, blearily pouring myself a frosty mug of Mt. Dew while waiting for my beloved but aged laptop to traverse the testy wireless network to the internet. From there, it was just a hop, skip and 3 miles of bumpy road to my email. After what felt like all morning, the spam filters weeded through all the crap mail and left me a very small pile of actual email meant for me. One in particular stood out from all the rest, probably because it was flashing in emergency room red. “Notice of Violations of the Writer’s Covenant.” Wha?!
I took a long drink of my dew, hoping the caffeine would kick starts some neurons. I blinked a couple of times and looked at the screen again. Nope, still there and not just an escapee of my overly active imagination this time. I coaxed my cursor to the flashing warning and clicked on it. It exploded to fill all seventeen inches of my screen.
“Dear TToombs08; you are hereby notified that you are in violation of one of more of the following Writer’s Covenant….”
I sat back and looked at my imaginary cat, Fluffius Maximus, hoping for an answer to the question that was still forming in my mind. He stared back blankly as imaginary cats are prone to do. I couldn’t recall joining any group called a ‘Writer’s Covenant.’ But then, I don’t remember joining the Paisley Pasties of the Month Club either, but they still show up at my doorstep every month like clockwork. I read on.
“…and are ordered to remedy your actions post haste. Should you continue to disregard the listed covenants, you shall be punished to the fullest extent of the Guild, up to and including the revocation of your creativity and imagination.” Huh. I glanced over the rather long list.
Violation #1: Coveting thy fellow writer’s given topic.
Surely they weren’t talking about the one time I saw one of my fellow writer’s covering a topic that I found extremely interesting and decided to try my hand at as well. I thought I was just complementing their already published work with my own. I guess I should have contacted the writer and asked them if they minded before I posted my own. Dully noted.
Violation #2: Thou shalt not bare false witness against thy fellow writer.
Ok, sure, maybe I was a little jealous when I saw one of my peer’s popularity sky rocket when their article on “Oddly shaped pebble stacking for Amateur Rock Hoarders” made the cover of the Geology & You magazine. And, I probably shouldn’t have fired off that email to the editor telling them that it was a stolen article when it wasn’t.
Violation #3: Thou shalt not be Prideful.
Ok, this one I can admit to. I am vain. Maybe not as vain as a 95 pound supermodel, but why shouldn’t I? My work is awesome. No, it’s better than that. It’s perfection! It’s BETTER than perfection, it’s…OW! Fluffius Maximus, what the hell are you biting my ankle for? Damn cat!
Holy hell, I’m out of dew. And I better grab something to eat, it looks like we might be here for a little bit. I guess they figure I need an ear full. I’d still like to know who these people think they are! A writer is free to write as they please. There aren’t any rules! There are no ‘writing police’ for crying out loud! Ok, much better. Nothing like a second mug of Mt. Dew to take the edge off of a good ass chewing, I always say.
Violation #4: Thou shalt listen to the advice of other authors.
Hm…you might have me on that one, too. I maybe, might have, on an occasion or three, asked another writer a question and gotten bored with the blithering, non-stop rambling falling out of their mouths. Yeah, I own that one. Next!
Violation #5: Thou shalt not be Vain.
But, I am the worlds’ best writer and I want everyone to know it. When I get my first book published, I will be more famous than Hemingway AND Tennyson put together! Look at my following on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and all the rest! They live for my hourly posts about how great a writer I am! My book will be world renowned, just as soon as I write it. I might only be on the first page and I’ve only been at this writing thing a week, but it’s not hard. Hell, a one armed, blind monkey can write an award winning novel.
Violation #6: Thou shalt not be slothful.
Slothful? As in ‘the avoidance of physical or spiritual work?’ Well, I have been a little busy trying to conquer Candy Crush. I just can’t get past that damn level 25! Once I finish that, I promise to devote all of my time to writing. Honest! Maximus, get off of my laptop! Freakin’ cat!
“TToombs08, we hope that you will heed the violations to the Writer’s Covenant as seriously as your fellow writers do. We are your peers. You pass us on the streets and stand next to us in line at the grocery store. We teach your children and bus your table. We are the nameless, faceless writers and dreamers that are mutually bound by an unwritten code of ethics and morals. We chain ourselves to being honest and fair. We have no governance, nor policy dictating our actions other than our own conscience and self-discipline. If you cannot live by these morals, please turn in your writing utensils post haste and stop embarrassing the rest of us.”
I looked around for Fluffius Maximus but he had finally gotten the hint and went in search of imaginary mice. I looked at the bottom of the email for the signature. “With Regards, Your Fellow Writers and Authors.” I sat back and thought for a moment. Could I possibly be guilty of everything I’ve been accused of? I suppose it was possible that in my rush to gain popularity and the respect of my peers, I may have cut a few corners and taken more than one short cut. But I didn’t think it mattered in the end. It wasn’t like I was sacrificing my ethics and reputation for notoriety. Or was I? This was going to take some looking into. Right after I finish my book. And finish Candy Crush.
Now on to the fun – the REAL reason you dropped in!
Welcome to the seventh Humor Me! Blog Hop – where funny rules and boring is drop-kicked into an alternate universe. Before you link up, a few things to remember or find yourself sitting next to boring;
♦ Make sure it contains HUMOR! You know, that stuff that makes you laugh like a bored high school freshman that discovers helium for the first time.
♦ Don’t forget to VOTE for your FAVORITE POSTS so we can slather the winner in whipped cream and chocolate syrup to show our unbridled appreciation for their comedic brilliance.
♦ Check out my crazy-brilliant co-hosts:
MJM @ The Insane Asylum
So, down to the boring crap – the rules of the blog hop:
1 – Share 1 or more of your funny blog posts (dust off the old ones or create a brand spanking new one).
2 – For every post you share, please read one other post from the hop. And don’t forget to leave a comment if you enjoyed their post.
3 – The hardest part – have FUN! Spend a minute or spend an hour – just spend some time with some great talents.
One last thing; if you enjoyed a particular post, please click the “Liked” above the title of the post. The blogger with the most ‘likes’ will be awarded with an awesome badge. The winner will be announced at the following Tuesday blog hop.
Here’s the coveted winner’s badge:
THE WINNER FROM LAST WEEK’S HUMOR ME! BLOG HOP IS:
Angela @ Momopolize!
If you enjoy this hop, please feel free to share it with your friends. If you hated it, share it with your enemies! Ready, set…HOP til your arse falls off!
