It is my honor and privileged to have Stacy from Ramblings of an Undiagnosed Mad Woman as my guest poster…blogger? Anyway, I hear she’s recently been officially diagnosed as obsessed with zombies and sex. So, what better way to combine both of her passions than with a little zombie lovin’? If you enjoy this, please hop on over to her blog and give it a little dry leg hump…don’t worry, she really likes it. Now for Stacy’s post:
Safety Precautions When Engaging in Zombie Sex
What is up with zombies trending lately? They seem to be all over the place.
We love zombies. We love to hate them. We love to watch them. We love to kill them. What else will we end up loving about them?
Since this trend probability isn’t going to die anytime soon, I am here to offer you some safety advice. A guide perhaps to zombies… a guide you might have not even realized you needed before now.
Even zombies deserve to be loved.
So if you are not a zombie lover, it is time that you jumped on board and became one. Everybody else is doing it, so why not you?
However, if you have come to realize your relationship with the zombies has hit unhealthy proportions, I am here to help. After all, when the zombie apocalypse hits, we are going to have to find away to live side by side.
Sadly, that might mean procreation. And if you are not into the necrophilia type thing, this might be disturbing to you. On the other hand, if it has been awhile, this might be a viable option.
And if you are still reading this… well my friend, you have problems! (I mean, are you seriously considering zombie sex? But no, seriously – keep reading! I am just messing with you! No one is going to judge you!)
Even though humans and zombies come from the same mold, there are some very big differences that you need to be aware of if you decide to act upon your zombie erotica impulses.
So, before engaging in any sexual healing, here are some healthy reminders so you don’t pop a boob or find some random nuts rolling on the floor.
1. The Zombie virus is contagious.
This is the first and most important precaution, unless of course your intention is to join the undead. That means there can never be an exchange of bodily fluids. So remember the saying, “Wrap your dick so she don‘t get sick!”
2. Don’t let that zombie give you a love bite!
We all know how the virus is spread, at least according to most movies, and while fluids is one way, the next best way is because they bit you. We have seen the damage on plenty of those zombie shows now a days. It is all fun and games until someone gets an arm bitten off.
Most of the time they try to hide it and then the next thing you know they are trying to eat you.
Let’s be kind to those around you. Letting a zombie give you a hickey is the ultimate fail on your life. Not to mention you could potentially spread the disease to your other living counterparts.
The best way to avoid the potential of a zombie love bite is to remove the jaw, therefore making it impossible for them to bite you. Once that is complete, you can enjoy zombie love without worrying.
3. Be Gentle. Zombies are Fragile.
I told you I wasn’t feeling well!
Sure, we all know zombies are badasses. I mean, they are the undead. Can you say you are undead? Well that got that on you.
Not to mention they eat the humans and spread their virus. It is like procreating without the mess.
But honestly, they really are fragile creatures. After all, it is easy to kill a zombie. Use blunt force to the head. Any object of choice will do. I have seen success with bats, I have seen it with knifes… be creative.
However, if you are on the side of the zombie lovers, the last thing you are going to want to do is hurt your zombie pal. So, if you want to make love to your zombie, the last thing you want to do is hurt the head… either one.
So just a word of advice, they may be functioning like the rest of us but they are still in the process of decay. So, if it feels like something is tearing, it probably is. Just remember to take it slow. Treat it like the virgin, touched for the very first time.
We are lucky. The zombie apocalypse has not yet come upon us. And you never know, it really could be right around the corner, and if you are one of the survivors (or one of the undead) you are going to have to find a way to live together peacefully, preferably not in pieces.
And if luck is not on your side, that person you are loving right now may be the first person to become the undead. Now do you want the rules of the undead to mess with the love of your life? It shouldn’t matter if they are a zombie or not. That could be racist.
Just remember to practice safe zombie sex if you feel the need to participate. No zombie lover will judge you for it!
Note: There were no zombies hurt in the process of writing this article. Said author and any of the author’s associates do not truly believe in have sexual relations with the undead. Not because we aren’t obsessed with zombies, just because we prefer good hygiene. If you have gotten this far, you deserve an award for your persistence to keep on reading. If you feel free to pay me or the sponsor for having these thoughts so you don’t have to paypal, cash or money orders are accepted. As far as anyone knows, zombies are not real. We don’t know what will cause them or if they will be contagious. If you know anybody who is sniffing bath salts and starts acting weird, immediately drop everything and tweet that you have seen a zombie and the apocalypse is here. And if I can leave you with one more piece of advice, NO matter how far wrong you have gone, you can always turn around!