Limbering up to tackle the shrubbery.
The other day, my friend RC (Richard) sent me an email. Seems he hired himself a new gardener to make his life a little easier (and so he’d have more time to write demon cat stories – read ‘em here). On her first day on the job, RC just happened to look out the window and catch her stretching and preparing herself to tackle his overgrown jungle of a backyard. After he got over his initial ‘deer in the headlights’ moment, he snapped these pictures and sent them to me. He asked me what I thought.
This is not a good Leap Frog strategy.
My first impression was that she must be mowing lawns while waiting for her career to take off. Secondly, it must be awfully hard to garden in tights. And my third thought was, why would you need hooters that big? So, that got me and RC to talking about all the reasons someone wouldn’t need to enhance their lovely lady bumps.
So here is our list of reasons not to get that boob job:
- It is almost impossible to walk straight when drunk.What does she use for a counterweight?
- You can’t see if your belt is on straight without a mirror.
- It makes cooking soup dangerous and almost difficult without burning them (and who wants burned tatas for dinner?)
- If your necklace breaks and falls into the cleavage, you’ll never see it again.
- Rolling out of bed is a thing of the past.
- Sitting up from a reclining position requires the help of heavy equipment.
- It creates a black hole where food particles are sucked into.
- People will constantly stop and ask you how much you paid for them.
- Men will no longer look you in the eye.
- People will automatically deduct 10 points from your IQ.
- Small children and animals will suddenly decide they have to summit them.
- You will never know if your shoes match.
- Jogging will resemble two volleyballs in a gym bag tossed down a staircase.
- Increased cost of soap used to wash the additional acreage.
- They will require their own zip code.
- Carrying boxes will require new skills and the art of juggling.
- Creates an awkward moment at the dinner when you have to decide, “Do I plop them on the table or stuff them under and hunch over?”
- You have to spend the rest of the relationship wondering if he was attracted to your mind or your boobs.
- “Dead man’s float” will no longer be an option while swimming.
- Get used to crude guys asking you, “Got milk?” and thinking it’s a funny pickup line.
I’d be praying I didn’t tip over.
Well, I think I’ve adequately convinced myself to take “breast enhancement” off of my Christmas list, permanently. Santa might be a little disappointed, but he’ll get over it. If you can think of any reasons not to get that coveted mammary augmentation, please feel free to add them in the comments section!