Have you ever spent the whole day sitting around in your jammies, watching tv, eating junk food, playing online, and/or chatting then lost all track of time only to realize that the perfect dinner you were preparing is now so far gone even the neighborhood stray dogs would turn up their noses? Yeah, me neither.
But just in case you find yourself in that situation, I’ve come up with some completely believable and totally original (oh all right, pretty damn lame) excuses to tell the slave driver breadwinner why his dinner looks like the inside of an inactive volcano and probably less appetizing. Here are my great, or maybe just mediocre, excuses for burning dinner:
Like keeping a pet gorilla on your roof.
1. One of my blogging buddies was being featured on a nationally syndicated program and I had to drop everything to participate in the phone in segment to show support for her. After it was over, I was required to get on all the social media channels and talk about every Planck time to keep it trending. If I hadn’t, the views on her blog would have dropped off when “The Following” came on. That Kevin Bacon is sizzling, isn’t he?!
2. The TiVo totally cut off the last 15 minutes of Rachael Ray just as she was about to say what temp and for how long! I had no idea I was supposed to leave the dish in the oven for only 30 minutes at 400 and not 2 hours at 350. I guess mostly crunchy is a little different than al dente. Mea Culpa! How does frozen pizza sound? Oh, we had that last night? I have a coupon for ‘5 Roast Beef Sandwiches for $5!’
I’m on fire!
3. I was posting my hourly status update about making my award winning meatloaf, recipe and photo included. Before I knew it, I got sucked into a discussion about the best foods to feed a picky toddler while it’s running around naked and pooping in the front hallway; suddenly, the smoke detector was going off, firefighters that double as Chippendale’s dancers where parading around in the kitchen and my prized meatloaf is now a briquette. I’m so distraught; I drank a bottle of wine. The kitchen and I are both in no condition to even use the microwave.
4. You didn’t want to eat at home tonight any way! It’s the tenth anniversary of our second date and to celebrate, I think we should pack up the kids and drive our minivan down to the cute little sidewalk café two towns over where we spent that date! What? They’ve been out of business for 8 years? Ok, then, we’ll celebrate at Red Robin, the service is better there anyway.
5. The brats kids came crawling in from school whining about dying of starvation. In their rush to find the emergency stash of Easy Mac and Doritos to stuff into their needy little faces, they trashed the kitchen. I spent the last few hours cleaning up their mess and ran out of time to get that standing rib roast properly prepared. How about take out instead? I’ve already called; the order is waiting for you to pick it up.
Piss me off again and I burn it down!
6. I did it on purpose! We never talk anymore. You don’t respect me or sympathize with all the crap I have to put up with while you’re at work. You think it’s easy to juggle potty training little Timmy while smart mouth Suzie is screaming at me from the other room that your damn dog is crapping under the table for the third time today? Treat me like a wife and not your staff! I deserved a day off! And if your dog shits in the house one more time, he’ll be the next item on the menu! No, I’m not hormonal! Stop looking at me like I just lost my mind!
7. The best mommy bloggers where having a #wine party and I couldn’t miss it! It was a not to miss opportunity to connect with other bloggers and expand my readership. We can just eat the top of the stew; be careful not to scrap the bottom of the pot and get the burnt part. It’ll be fine.
8. The kids wanted to do something special for us in light of all that we do for them. Too bad it was an epic fail and we’ll probably have to replace at least one sauce pan and two spatulas. Don’t say anything to them though; it’ll just discourage them from trying again. How about we take them to Texas Roadhouse as a way of saying thanks for trying and never mention it again?
The neighbors ordered a LOT of toys.
9. The stove is stuck on stupid and will only cook at 427 degrees no matter what I set it at. The recipe clearly states that the casserole is to cook for an hour and a half at 350 degrees but the oven decided that wasn’t good enough and upped the ante. I guess it thought it’d get it over with and head back out to the pool to flirt with the dishwasher. The fridge is a sobbing wreck now. They were getting pretty serious until she got cold feet and backed out. Now the stove has the hots for that home wrecker dishwasher. Sorry, the kids were bored and we’ve been making up stories all day. I haven’t had another adult to talk to since the postman stopped by to drop off a package for the neighbor. Did you know that the neighbors are buying sex toys online? Uh…the box accidentally fell open, really. I taped it back up so they’ll never know. But I kept the catalog that was inside, you know, just in case.
The moral of the story is, don’t get caught with your biscuits burnt. And if you do, make sure you have a pretty darn good reason why you burned the family dinner. You can always tell the kids it’s an experiment in fending for themselves and send them out into the backyard to scavenge for grubs and twigs to eat while you make your famous grilled fluffernutter and banana sandwiches.
“Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.” ~ Bergen Evans
