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Life Lessons From The Angry Birds

by Terrye

I’ve been to philosophy class, and studied comparative world religions. I practically memorized “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe” series. I’ve listened to Catholic priests and Episcopalian preachers. I’ve taken acid (then went to a Renaissance Faire) and smoked a little recreational marijuana (yes, I inhaled on more than one occasion). I did all of this in search of finding out the answer to ‘life.’ Ok, what did I learn in my years of seeking? Angry Birds knew the answer all along…damn them!

1. If at first you don’t succeed, keep throwing little tweeting birds at the problem.
There are days, weeks…ok, maybe even years…when it seems like it’s a never ending uphill battle just to eke out a meager living. Every day seems to be a rerun of the previous and tomorrow doesn’t look like it’s going to be any different from the same ole shit. So, what do you do?

You pull back on your slingshot and launch a bird at the world. With a little aim and some luck, you just might knock down that wall and kick a green pigs smiling ass.

2. Some people are just evil, green pigs.
I heard someone say that most people at good. Yeah, sometimes it takes a LOT of digging to find the good cuz it’s so wrapped up in bullshit and attitude that it’s almost not worth the time to stick around and find out.

But then there are the rare but genuine, through and through evil assholes that just want to watch the world burn. Most of these are found working as late night managers of fast food restaurants, Walmart department supervisors , customer service workers at phone in support centers (Bank of America), designers of women’s under garments, or used car salesmen.

To them, I say, “I hope someone drops a big, black bird in your lap just before it turns red and blows your genitals all over God’s green earth!” Because they probably more than deserved it.

3. If you want to get all the stars, you gotta have a strategy.
There are very few people in this world that just happen to fall into a situation where they make an ass load of money just because they were at the right place at the right time (lottery winners don’t count – fuckers).

Almost down to the very last one of them, successful people have created a plan and sometimes, even a backup plan, to get to where they are today. Wanna be a lawyer or a banker? Unless daddy owns the firm, you have to go to school. How are you gonna pay for it? Better figure that out too, cuz it’s getting more and more expensive. You need a…say it with me…a strategy for your success.

Those cute little red birds know this. They want to kick some green pig ass and get revenge for the little bastards stealing eggs. But they just can’t walk into Hogville and kill a pig. Nope, there are walls to tear down, mines to navigate, seasons to live through, and glass beach houses to demolish first. And, you guessed it, that takes a strategy.

4. Sometimes, shit blows up.
Just when you think things are going good, your strategy is working out and success is within reach, shit explodes and totally derails your plan. I secretly think it’s Karma’s evil twin, but I haven’t been able to prove that theory…yet.

The day that you are due for that corner office and huge pay raise, the boss calls you into his office to let you know that the position has been filled by the owner’s dumbass nephew. But, lucky you, there’s a new opening in the mailroom and you start tomorrow. Your choices? Bend over and spread your ass cheeks or tell them where to shove it and dust off your resume. A little side lesson I learned was that when one job turns to crap, another crappy job is just around the corner. You just have to beg for it.

The pigs are conniving little turds with their crates of explosives tossed haphazardly all over the place. Sometimes you can use this to your advantage and blow the little piggy all the way to the bacon factory. Other times, yeah, “fuck me, running.”

5. You either make it past the level or you turn off the damn game and start over.
When things thoroughly turn into a big pile of steaming crap, there are usually two viable options.

A. Keep fighting and hope that things get better or you end up getting an expense paid vacation to the nearest all-inclusive mental hospital.

B. Start the game over. Meaning – find a new career, go back to school, marry a millionaire, or rob a bank and move to a non-extradition country (good luck finding one). I’d rather hit the X and restart the game than watch those damn pigs smile at me with their smug little asshole attitudes. Fuckers.

So, in the end, after all my experimenting, discovering and contemplation, it turns out that a bunch of pissed off little birds showed me the way. Now, on to conquer the Star Wars universe….who the hell knows what I’ll learn! May the birds be with you!

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