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I Married an Ignoramus

by Terrye

One of the many stories of my husband driving me nuts. This one happened just before our move from Montana to Arizona last November. Enjoy!

Since my benefactor (aka Mike, my husband) is usually at work, slaving away tending to his flock of semis and tractor trailers, most of our interactions are based around our cell phones (no phone sex, sorry ya pervs!). And it’s not unusual for me to have to call and remind him of stuff, like some of the things that need his attention before our great escape from Montana. (He has the attention span of a gnat and the memory to match so he DOES ask me to remind him all the time).

Wednesday, November 14th 4:30pm:

Me: Did you remember to take care of your driver’s license? (His Alaska license was expiring and he needed to apply for a Montana license even though we were leaving for Arizona soon. His job depends on his ability to drive the service truck out to broken down semis – usually on the coldest days, over an hour from the shop and 30 minutes before his shift is about to end).

Mike: No. (Sounds of air tools and cursing in the background)

Me: Are you going to take care of it or are you just gonna cross your fingers like always?

Mike: There is that possibility. (He still hasn’t figured out that when someone asks you a question with an ‘or’ in it, it means to choose one of the two options given. At least it wasn’t his usual ‘no.’)

Me: Did you register the truck? (As with his license, the truck was registered in Alaska and due to expire like bad milk)

Mike: I got a temporary one but it expires Thursday.

Me: And if you get pulled over?

Mike: I’ll tell the cop I didn’t know it was expired.

Me: Do you have a backup plan?

Mike: I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Me:  =silence= (I think I was running a million scenarios thru my over taxed brain and it temporarily shorted out)

Me: Ok. Well. As long as you have it covered.

Mike: Yep. See ya when I get home.

Saturday, November 17th 6:30pm:

Mike: I’m cleaning up and heading for home.

Me: Ok, can you stop by the store and pick up a few things so I can make dinner?

Mike: Yeah, text me the list. (I have to text him anything over 2 items or he forgets. And even then, he still picks up sugar free or fat free – not a fan)

Me: What time do you think you’ll be home so I can plan out the rest of dinner?

Mike: I should be home right around 7:30.

7:45pm. I decided to give him a call since he’s usually right on with the time schedule thing and he usually calls me from the store. With the number of accidents on his main commuter route, I wanted to make sure he hadn’t hit another deer or ended up in a ditch, mushed under a semi. No answer.

8:00pm. He finally calls.

Me: You better be kidding.

Mike: Nope. Andrew just got here.

Me: Andrew? How long have you been stopped?

Me: And the thought never occurred to you to call me and let me know?

Mike: I tried but I couldn’t get service.

Me: But you were able to get ahold of Andrew?

Me: And why is Andrew coming to get you?

Mike: Because the cop said if I drove the truck I would go to jail.

Me: That wouldn’t have anything to do with your license and the registration being expired would it?

Mike: Something like that.

Me: So…what’s your backup plan?

Mike: I’m working on that. Right after I make my appearance at court. Oh, and I have to pay $680.oo in fines.

Me: Wasn’t the license $40 and the registration $70 originally?

Mike: We’ll talk about it when I get home. You still need me to go to the store?

Me: Sure, there’s still plenty of time for you to really f*ck up and end up in jail for the weekend.

Mike: I’ll call you when I’m leaving the store.

Monday, November 19, 2012, 8am:

Mike: I’m on my way to the DMV to take care of my license. Bob said I had to take care of it a.s.a.p. before a service call comes in and he has to chew my ass for not having a license.

Me: And the registration for the truck?

Mike: I’ll go to court tomorrow on my lunch.

Me: I’m not going to hound you about this because that just pisses me right the f*ck off and then I won’t get all the stuff done that I need to do before we MOVE TO ARIZONA ON FRIDAY! (Implying that he has, yet again, managed to screw something up before we are about to pack up our lives and move).

Mike: OK.

That was the smartest thing he’s said in a month.

Sometimes I need to remind myself what he looks like.

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