Last week, I received a bitter and snarky comment about me and my blog being disgusting and some other crap because I used the HORRIBLE word “shit.” I guess that particular blogger really needs to shove her head up her ass to experience truly disgusting shit. But I’m not going to let one out of touch individual discourage or stop me from infecting the world with my own brand of super-cooties. She has inspired me.
If you are squeamish, you might want to skip on down to the blog hop.
I give you a few of things that disgust me. I hope you laugh more than you gag.
1. Kid shit. Not just any shit. But the shit that slowly seeps throughout the house like a silent and smelly plague. As you approach the crappy child, your eyes start to water and your nose begins to run. Every fiber of your body is screaming to turn and escape. Yet, that maternal instinct forces you to soldier on and rescue your helpless spawn from his own ass.
As you carefully survey the situation, you discover that the poor diaper was outnumbered and sadly overrun, but gave it one hell of a battle to contain the rancid waste. Squishy, stinky shit has engulfed the poor child from ankles to neck. And there seems to be an invading force attempting to penetrate the hair, carefully sneaking up from behind the left ear. Yep, that’s the kinda shit that disgusts me. And it almost always stains whatever it touches.
2. Opinionated Assholes. The old saying goes, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all smell.” I couldn’t agree more. I’ve noticed that, most of the time, the reason behind my annoyance towards opinionated idiots is that they haven’t bothered to do their research. Take the commenter last week that said all those lovely things about me and my blog. I think that if she had taken the time to read more than the 500 words of the one post she did bother to read, she’d realize that all of her assumptions about me and my blog were wrong. Well, mostly wrong. Would you believe partially wrong?
And she wouldn’t have come across as such a know-it-all, arrogant bitch (but judging from all the posts I read on HER blog, that’s just who she is and she’s damn proud of it – good for her embracing her true self). But, in a way, I’m glad she did piss me off. Because of my little tirade, I had the second biggest day on my blog since I started it. But I still don’t like her, and I wouldn’t cross the road to pee on her if she was on fire. See? That there was an example of ‘real’ disgusting stuff, Miss Snooty Butt!
3. Public Restrooms. I’m not talking restrooms like you find at fast food restaurants that will have to do when you’re hopping around with crossed legs trying not to let loose while you fumble with the door lock, unzip your zipper and perform the hover maneuver. Nope, not even the nasty assed cesspools that Walmart tries to pass off as home-away-from-home potties. I’m talking about those dens of putrid human waste that house a globule that pulses with an unimaginable life form that isn’t found anywhere else in the universe. Just lying there in wait to pounce on their next meal from the floor of what seems to be an innocent roadside rest area. Where do you think all those missing persons go? They weren’t abducted! They were dinner for the rest area public restroom blob!
How do you know you’ve walked into their lair? Firstly, the smell will hit you like, well, a shithouse brick upside your head. If that doesn’t scare you away, be wary of the subtle hints like pubic hairs on the seat, used feminine products strewn about like body parts from a horror movie, and the sounds. Not the normal flushing sounds, but the labored moaning sounds as intestines are mangled and tortured from spicy foods consumed hours prior to the emergency pit stop. Do not turn around; slowly back out. If you turn your back on it, it WILL eat you.
Aren’t you glad that you stuck around to find out what disgusts me? Yeah, I know, I owe you for that one. But if you haven’t gotten your fill of the stinky ca-ca, check out Kate’s post about poop.
Now on to the fun – the REAL reason you dropped in!
Welcome to the fifth Humor Me! Blog Hop – where funny rules and boring is drop-kicked into an alternate universe. Before you link up, a few things to remember or find yourself sitting next to boring;
♦ Make sure it contains HUMOR! You know, that stuff that makes you laugh like a bored high school freshman that discovers helium for the first time.
♦ Don’t forget to VOTE for your FAVORITE POSTS so we can slather the winner in whipped cream and chocolate syrup to show our unbridled appreciation for their comedic brilliance. I gotta bribe you guys somehow to keep ya coming back! *wink*
So, down to the boring crap – the rules of the blog hop:
1 – Share 1 or more of your funny blog posts (dust off the old ones or create a brand spanking new one).
2 – For every post you share, please read one other post from the hop. And don’t forget to leave a comment if you enjoyed their post.
3 – The hardest part – have FUN! Pop a cork, twist a cap, open a box of chocolates – whatever it takes to get you comfy so you’ll waste hours reading our posts.
One last thing; if you enjoyed a particular post, please click the “Liked” above the title of the post. The blogger with the most ‘likes’ will be awarded with an awesome badge. The winner will be announced at the following Tuesday blog hop.
Here’s the coveted winner’s badge:
THE WINNER FROM LAST WEEK’S HUMOR ME! BLOG HOP IS:
Joy Christi @ ComfyTown Chronicles!
If you enjoy this hop, please feel free to share it with your friends. If you hated it, share it with your enemies! Ready, set…HOP til your arse falls off!