A new Olympic sport!
Disclaimer: Do not attempt. This is for entertainment uses only and not to be confused with an actual ‘how-to’ guide for performing illegal acts. Should the reader decide to experiment with any of the scenarios in this writing, the author will not be held accountable for any legal fees, medical bills, bail money, or stupidity on behalf of the reader performing said acts. Read at your own risk. Minor rash has been reported in some trial studies.
Cindy Mae – The Angel from the Accounting Department.
After months of admiring Cindy Mae, the beauty in the accounting department (heck, she has a job and all of her teeth; she’s one to take home to dear old mom), you finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. Much to your surprise (and totally befuddling your buddies as to why a goddess like Cindy Mae would want to be seen in public with the likes of you), she agreed to take a few hours out of her dreadfully busy schedule to meet you for dinner and a movie this Friday. She agreed on the condition that dinner is at the new exotic game sushi bar, Kuribou Azz, because she’s been dying to try the Weasel Roll.
You look at your calendar and realize it’s 10:30pm on a Thursday evening. You call up your best friend, Josh and beg him to loan you a Benjamin. You hang up after a solid minute of uncontrolled laughter on his end of the conversation. Dismayed, you start to ponder how you are going to come up with some quick cash for your miraculous date in less than 24 hours.
Then it occurs to you, your cousin Jimmy Rae has been making quick case on the wrong side of the law for more years than you can count. Scrolling through your phone’s contacts, you quickly find his number, and with your heart racing, you hit the ‘send’ button, with complete confidence that he’ll have the answer to your problem. After several incredibly long seconds, he finally answers and you explain your desperate situation. Always happy to help out his favorite relative, he gives you a few options that just might get you the cash you need to impress and woo the lovely Cindy Mae.
1. Stealin’, aka Larcenee
Why, yes officer, it IS my car!
“Ok, Bubba Lee, because you is my most fav-or-rite cousin and I ain’t got nothin’ goin’ on right naw, I’ll let you in on a few of my vanilla ways of makin’ fast cash. The fastest way to bring home the bacon is to cruise a mall or upscale neighborhood, lookin’ for a car where the owner has clean forgot to take their purse or wallet with ‘em, like a total dumbass.
Don’t forget to looksee if they left money poking out of the visor, ash tray, glove box, or any other little nook an’ cranny. You lisen up, cuz here comes the tricky part; getting in. Check all the doors to make sure they didn’t go and assidently leave one unlocked cuz it happens all the time. If that’s a no go, look for a spare key, which lots o folks hide under the bumper or fender with a hide-a-key box thing. Yer last option is breakin’ the winder. Now, iffen’ I have ta ‘xplain on how to break a winder, yer just plain stupid an a total waste o’ skin.”
2. Robbin’ The Rich Cuz I’s Hungry
Don’t ferget da milk!
“You followin’ me? Cuz I’m gonna lay on ya how I made the majority of my fortune and I ain’t prone to share this little tid bit wit just any joe shmoe off the streets. Robbin’ but stay away from those banks cuz then you cross the line into that Federal law crap an’ I don’t wanna be related to no convict that went and got hisself a federal rap, that’s just plain bad juju.
I likes to drive to a town or two over, pick a nice little chain convenience store, stay away from the Mom & Pop shops cuz they’s hard workin’ folks and they’s gotta eat too. So, I pick me a nice, fat 24/7 and wait for things to slow down a tad. Then I pull on a pair of knee highs, no, not mine, stop interrupting me, boy. I make sure it’s a nice dark color so I looks like I got me a mighty fine tan, and, no, I don’t wear ‘em on my legs, ya stupid or somethin’? I wear it over my head to hide my face. You shore we be relations?
After I get my stockin’ over my face, I put on my knit cap and race in. I pretend to have a gun in my pocket cuz I don’t wanna skeer no one. No, I ain’t got a real gun onna count of me doin’ time for, well, we won’t get into that right naw. I tell ‘em I don’t want no trouble and hand over the cash. I usually score a couple hundred buck that way. Iffen I’m feelin’ real lucky, I’ll hit a couple o’ stores in one night an’ take the next couple days off, ya know, to let things ‘cool down’ a smidge.”
3. Johns A-Go-Go, aka Prostitutin’
I’m just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvania.
“This’in here might be a bit touchy for some men, but I ain’t some men. Prostitution, don’t be laughin’ at me nah, it ain’t just fer women folk these days. We gots that whole equal rights thing goin’ on in these parts. Hush nah, so iffen I wants ta make me some real cash, I goes an’ borrows one of Beulah Sue’s dresses an’ has her do up my face ‘n’ hair. After I gets me all dolled up, I haves her drive me down to the strip and drops me off on the street corner. Now don’t go think’ I’m one of them thar Transylvanians like Cousin Bobbie Joe, cuz I ain’t! I don’t let them touch none of my bits and I ain’t getting’ anywhar near them’s bit neither!
Anyways, Beulah Sue don’t go too far, tho on a counts of I might need me a quick escape iffen the cops come ‘rounds. Once them mens come lookin’ for some good times, I get in their big ole truck and we’s go ‘round the corner over tah that thar empty lot. After he gives me mah money, I bonks ‘em on da head wit mah purse thats got a brick in it an’ I takes everythin’ outta his wallet. Makin’ sure I check the visor, ash tray, glove box, or any other little nook an’ cranny.”
4. Funny Money, aka Counterfeit Cash
First attempt at counterfeiting – FAIL!
“This’n here is my easiest an’ most fav-or-rite ways ta make me some quick cash, but ya’s gotta be smart ‘bout it. Ain’t just no-body can go an’ do it, cuz it takes a mess ah brains, see? First, you needs to find yo-self some money, not big dollars, no, no, you needs to get some little ones. Like ones an’ fivers, onna count o’ most clerks ‘n’ such don’t use that marker thing on ‘em. Sos, you take yer dollar and yer fiver down to the local opeen all night office supply store and you makes you some copies. Now, here comes the brains part, ya gots ta remember to make copies of both sides of the money. I dids that once and had to convince the clerk that the gov’ment used special inks on that side an only banks could see it.
Dumbass believed me too, it that don’t beat all get out. She so dumb, I ended up marrin’ her, but Beulah Sue is a mighty fine woman. She may be the size of a defensive lineman, but she got a heart of pure gold and the brains God gave a hummin’ bird. Well, cousin, I hopes I helps ya out wit yer cash gettin’ needs. You call me back an’ let me knows how that date goes with yer pretty little Cindy Mae! I talk atcha later nah!”
After much contemplation, you realize that taking any of cousin Jimmy Rae’s advice may cost you your freedom, the chance to get to know Cindy Mae biblically, and your cushy job in the mail room. With the horrific possible outcomes flashing though your mind, you opt to chance getting dumped when you call the woman of your dreams and reschedule for next Friday. Knowing full well that you’ll both have a paycheck burning holes in your pockets and you won’t be stuck paying for her popcorn at the movies that night because she has her own dang money and if she’s a real woman, she can take care of her own self.