This is YOUR time! Carpe Diem!
More and more folks are waking up and finding themselves unemployed or underemployed. This while well-known companies are threatening to move those lucky enough to have a job, from full-time to part-time to avoid having to cover the cost of health insurance. Desperate people are doing whatever it takes to try to get a foot in the door just for a chance to get an interview.
It’s a sad state of affairs when attempting to find employment not only requires normal job seeking skills, but also covert abilities once belonging to James Bond or US Special Forces. It almost makes you want to step back and reevaluate just how important getting that coveted job really is. Ok, now that you’ve quieted that gag reflex and settled your nerves, let’s review the traditional way to get a job:
- Create a spectacular one page resume and cover letter.
- Make a thousand copies of your perfect resume and proudly show them off to your significant other.
- Curse your beloved under your breath as you head back to the computer to fix the tiny spelling error that the perfectionist immediately pointed out.
- Run to the store to pick up a new printer cartridge and ream of paper because you ran out in the middle of your print job.
- Snub your ‘One and Only’ as you pass them on your way back to your 3 foot by 3 foot home office in a closet to finish preparing your stack of resumes for your monumental job hunt that begins in earnest in the morning.
- Set the alarm to get up early so you can eat a filling breakfast and put on your most professional looking outfit to impress the pants off of the first executive you meet. Be sure to accept the job offer they beg you to take so they don’t embarrass themselves in front of their underlings.
- Arrive at International Company Number 1, with your self-assured attitude; convince the front desk to allow you to speak to the hiring manager. Meet the manager and get a job offer on the spot to start tomorrow.
Yeah, IN YOUR DREAMS, bucko! The reality is:
- 6. Hit the off button and sleep an extra hour. Wake up with an extremely verbal “oh fuck!” and skip the shower and breakfast. Throw on some deodorant and whatever is hanging on the back of the chair and race out the door with a handful of crumpled resumes.
- 7. Race into the nearest office building short of breath and attempt to persuade the receptionist that you have an appointment with the head of Human Resources.
- 8. Attempt to look professional as you are escorted off of the premises by the rent-a-cops while yelling “I could do your job in my sleep, you spineless marshmallow!”
However, with the luxury of actual face to face meetings with hiring executives almost gone the way of the Easter Bunny and the unicorn, the most prosperous means to landing that dream job is via non-conventional means. Pay attention, this is where the secret agent training comes in. Please open your mind to the possibilities.
- Research a company that you think would be a perfect fit for your needs, wants, and lifestyle. Don’t forget to check out health insurance, pay raise cycles, employee bonuses and fringe benefits like yearly conferences in non-extradition tropical locations sans family members. Most importantly, dig into how difficult it is to funnel the office supply budget into an offshore account.
- Select the hiring manager for the department you wish to dominate and glean as much information about that person as you can acquire. Include useful and blackmail worthy tidbits like: extramarital affairs, gambling debts, illegal activities, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, kicking sleeping dogs, stealing the neighbor’s newspaper, etc.
- Once you have created your Binder of Bad Behavior, create two copies and secure them in a secret location. Tell no one where these binders are and contrary to popular belief, the green locker at the bus station is not a good hiding spot even if you can keep from losing the damn key.
- Follow your victim until you can get them alone and then present them with the binder and your ultimatum. “Either hire me for the job of my choice in your department or I give your boss and your family their very own copy of your Dossier of Destruction with pictures and links to online videos.”
- Report to work the next day with a smile on your face, knowing that your family adores you for your alpha maleness and your new boss hates you to your core for the same reason. Never forget you now have a target tattooed on your forehead and hunting season is permanently open.
Blackmail, when used correctly, isn’t a bad tool. It has worked well for corporate leaders, politicians, and dictators of rogue countries for years and look how it’s turned out for them. Under normal circumstances, drastic measures to provide for our families would not require such extremes.
The world is quickly becoming a shark eat dog kinda place. But it’s better for our children to learn to be ruthless from us than some ill-experienced punk bullies at school. At least this way, they aren’t as likely to turn on us as quickly. And we still need their whining asses for the upcoming zombie apocalypse. Happy job hunting, my friend!