With the prices of everything under the sun rising at a rate that would put the old space shuttle to shame, I have been looking for ways to make my dollar stretch further than a thong on a hippo. This includes switching our nightly dinner menu from Prime Rib and Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes to Mac & Cheese with Little Smokies. Part of my penny pinching plan also comprises reusing anything my little over active imagination can get its imaginary hands on. One of the biggest piles of crap laying around my place are those dainty, see through, anti-static wonders commonly called ‘dryer sheets.’ Here are some of the repurposing uses I’ve manipulated them unwillingly into:
1. Stuff Bra / Jock Strap
Nothing says “I’m a winner” like a stuffed bra or jock strap. Before heading out for a night of clubbing, grab a few used dryer sheets and ‘accentuate the positive’ with a little extra padding. Your partner in the late night tryst will be none the wiser, after a few cocktails in a dimly lit drinking establishment, of course.
In the colder seasons, this adds additional layers of warmth to keep your precious parts from turning blue and falling off. No more need for the significant other to repeatedly ask if they can ‘warm you up’ by placing their cold hands on your tingly areas.
2. Tailpipe Silencer
My twenty-something upstairs neighbor just bought himself a 2013 Mustang with a very loud exhaust system. I wouldn’t have noticed his little lady catcher if he didn’t have the annoying habit of coming home after 11pm and revving the engine in the driveway before shutting the studly beast down for the night. His nocturnal ritual tends to wake me from a deep sleep, causing me to lay awake and plot his lengthy demise.
To quiet his little show of manliness, a tail pipe full of dryer sheets not only lowers the volume, but it has the added benefit of a little show. Once the dryer sheets are heated to the point of combustion, they spontaneously burst into flame. This causes my favorite twenty-something quite the surprise and the show commences as he feverishly attempts to extinguish the fire in his tail pipe. I love free entertainment.
3. Packing Material in Lunch Box
My husband was always complaining about his sandwich getting squished by the six pack of beer in his lunch cooler. After getting fed up with his constant whining, I grabbed a handful of used dryer sheets and stuffed his lunch box with them. At the designated time, he called me while eating, to report that I was a miracle worker and for the first time in ages, his meatloaf sandwich didn’t look like a deer that attempted to fornicate with a tractor trailer moving across the interstate at a mile below warp speed. I was rewarded with making my own gourmet dinner and doing the dishes afterwards. I am a lucky woman, I tell you.
4. Smelly Shoes Deodorizer
After a 12 hour day of repairing big rigs, the stench from my husband’s steel toed boots could drive a maggot off a gut pile. Once I’ve recovered from the nasal assault, I have found that filling his boots with used dryer sheets will lessen the effect of his home grown chemical warfare. In the morning, when he puts on his boots and finds the sheets, he thinks the kid was bored and stuffed his boots. I’m not saying a word.
5. Clean & Freshen Microwave
On the rare occasion that my beloved walking, talking payday decides to fend for himself and make some food, he tends to explode a tomato based food product in the microwave and leave the nuked mess for me to find at a later date. After I have finished cursing his name and his lineage back to the Stone Age, I regain my composure and set out to remediate his environmental disaster area.
By placing a bowl of water and a couple of used dryer sheets in the microwave, and cooking on high for a couple of minutes, the steam loosens the old, baked on gunk and the scent from the dryer sheets adds a fresh smell to replace the stench of murdered tomatoes.
My smokin’ hot man deserves my thanks and admiration for all that he does for me and his son. So, to reward his hard work, I try to plan an occasion night of ‘happy, fun, lucky time.’ He really enjoys those lacy, frilly jammies. Unfortunately, the cost of those sexy little nighties and edible undies can really add up. And as I’m trying to cut back and save money for that Big Mac I’ve been dreaming about, he’s had to settle for plain ole, naked wifey-pooh. That is, until I figured out that a few dryer sheets sewn together can be just as arousing as one of those little fifty dollar Victoria’s Secret numbers. Score one for the hot momma!
On the rare occasion that we have a guest over that is worthy of breaking out the real dishes and not the paper plates, I like to set a mighty fine table, with our best plastic cups and dollar store silver ware. However, the folding table just doesn’t look right without placemats. But who the heck wants to spend a few dollars on something that is only used once a year with the Mother-in-law decides it’s time for the courtesy visit? Not me! So, I turn to my trusty bag of used dryer sheets and fashion a set of uppity placemats.
Oh how she gushed on and on about how wonderfully charming they looked. So, for Christmas this year, she’s getting her very own setting of custom made placemats for her quaint, little single wide. She will be the envy of the trailer park!
8. Cat Litter
My attack cat, Little Miss Fluffy-bottom, absolutely refuses to use the neighbor’s rose garden as a chic kitty rest room. With the price of cat litter nearing the staggering cost of potting soil, I have decided that the stuck up feline will just have to deal with a litter box filled with shredded dryer sheets. For some strange reason, she prefers the feel of the cushy soft dryer sheets over the gravel and mulch of Mr. Potsworth’s rosy garden path. Anyone need a pretentious cat?
9. Sheer Drapes
The first time I filled the ungrateful cat’s litter box with shredded dryer sheets, she repaid my ingenuity by shredding my living room drapes. Lacking the small fortune to replace them, I reluctantly threw together a shabby chic, designer inspired look. I sewed a whole mess of them together and dyed them to match the sofa. It’s one of a kind – the front seat out of hubby’s old 1968 International Scout 800. We have fond memories of it when it was actually in the old truck; we spent our honeymoon in it. And 9 months later, along came our bouncing, baby boy. Good times!
10. Emergency Toilet Paper
In the event that the weekend open bit BBQ and muddin’ party goes a little long and I run out of toilet paper because several of the guests insist on using the indoor plumbing instead of the local woods, I like to keep a box of my favorite used dryer sheets under the bathroom sink. I keep the good stuff stored on the shelf in my bedroom closet. Ain’t no way Bubba is squeezin’ MY charmin after he tried to make off with my new sofa.
After rethinking my exorbitant spending ways, and recycling things I had around the house, I have managed to shave a few more pennies from our budget and live within our meager means. Yeah, the neighbors may be putting together a petition to get us removed from the trailer park, but we’ll have the money to rent the big U-haul when we bid them a fond farewell with our one finger salute. Onward and upward, my friends. Next stop, Margaretville!