Just about every writer I’ve come across holds a secret (sometimes not so secret) desire to become famous and/or rich. I’m no exception. Although, my overwhelming, soul-sucking self-doubt will probably hold me back so that I’ll never come to realize that dream. That whole self-fulfilling prophesy thing, you know. But I rub elbows with a number of bloggers that are well on their way (no worries, when they become famous, I’ll write a nice little post about how ‘I knew them when’ because they’ll drop me like a psycho girlfriend after a sordid affair in a no-tell motel). I wouldn’t hold it against them, I’d drop me too. I’m like the black sheep of our blogging group. “A loose cannon” I believe was the term taped to my back. Hey, it was better than the old one; “Kick me when I’m down, I love it!”
I have given a lot of thought to what I’d change in my life in the off chance that I did, miraculously, become a famous author and start earning more than a few pennies a month. It’s always fun to daydream. So much easier than cranking out the posts that could someday propel me from anonymous blogger to bestselling author. (Stop laughing, I have a Voodoo witch doctor working on the spell right now!) Alright then, here’s my short list:
1. Laundry Drop Off Service. I have always wanted to use a laundry drop off service because I imagine it would really free up some of my time. Then I could focus on spending more time doing frivolous things that look like a total waste of time to anyone else but me; catching up on all the shows I have recorded on the DVR, finish some of those Pinterest crafts I started, bake cookies, etc.
It’s not that I mind doing laundry; it’s the folding and putting that crap away that I’m not particularly fond of. But if I’m gonna pay someone to fold my clothes, I might as well pay them to wash and dry it, right? Not my undies though. If I’m famous, I don’t want a stranger telling the local paper that they got into my pants and soil my good name. I left all that behind when I got ran out of Alaska.
2. Dodge 3500 MegaCab Dually. I would buy my husband his dream truck, a brand spankin’ new Dodge 3500 MegaCab Dually so he’ll finally shut the hell up about it. There’s almost nothing worse than listening to a grown man whine on and on about wanting a new truck, day in and day out. Oy. Then he could give our old ’96 Dodge 2500 the much deserved overhaul she needs.
And I’d have to pick myself up a sweet little Dodge 1500 just cuz I’m in love with Dodge trucks. (Hey, I’m a third generation Dodge/Chrysler owner and I’ve never had a problem with a single one I’ve owned – knock on wood!). Or maybe a cute little Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen. A girl can dream, right?
3. Crab boat. I’d buy a crab boat so I could get fresh crab each season. I really miss being able to drive down to Homer and buy crab that just came off the boat. Do you know how hard it is to get fresh, never frozen Alaskan crab in Podunk, Arizona?! I wouldn’t operate the boat or even step foot on it, cuz I’d be about as useless as tits on a boar hog. I’m also allergic to working manual labor for 14 hours or more in a day. In fact, there are very few things I enjoy doing for that long unless it involves sleeping.
4. Blogging/writer’s conventions. I’ve been drooling over all the blogging and writing conventions held every year, and secretly putting a hate on all those fortunate enough to be able to attend one. I’m shallow and jealous, I know. Sadly, with hubby’s work schedule, that’s all but impossible.
He doesn’t want to devote his one week a year vacation to a “bunch of crazy writers talking about writing. Can’t they just write about it?” [Thanks for the support, honey. Way to have my back.] And getting a babysitter for little man while hubby is at work is out of the question. I guess watching a non-verbal autistic child is a tad intimidating for most daycare providers. It’s no more challenging than trying to give a mountain lion a bubble bath, I swear!
5. BluRay Library. Our old tube TV finally got so bad with lines across the screen that we couldn’t stand watching it any more. We broke down and bought a new LED flat screen. Of course we had to update the dvd player to a bluray while we were at it. Now we’re replacing our vast dvd collection with bluray; one a payday. It’s slow going. Hubby wanted to blow his whole paycheck on a new video library but I reminded him that in a few hours, when he was hungry, he’d have to decide between munching on Chuck Norris or Mickey Mouse. Oh the sad face and guilt trip I got from him. Days like that make me wonder if he’s more kid than adult.
If I was bringing in the big bucks with my brilliant literary skills, we could easily replace all of them as well as add some rockin’ new titles. I’d never leave the new loveseat! I really need to get my ass and fingers (interesting visual, huh?!) in gear and make some money. Now where did I put my talent?
6. Kick Walmart to the curb. I’m not a fan of the Walmart. I abhor their treatment of employees and contractors, and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve interacted with a pleasant manager. But, due to circumstances and the extremely limited retail shopping avenues available, I’m stuck with the skanky ho. (Funny how they both make you wanna take a bleach soak after spending time wrapped in their arms, huh?)
In my happy place, I would plot a weekly trip into a sizable town for my shopping excursions; I’d be lovin’ all over Target, Hobby Lobby, Michael’s, and a big, shiny mall or two. I’d even browse Macy’s again, like I used to when we were living in Casper, Wyoming and hubby was toilin’ away in the oil fields.
I was amazed at how the cashier’s came around from behind the counter after the transaction was completed, to personally hand you your purchase off of the counter not six inches away. As I reached out to pick up my little bag with the red star on it, the wonderful woman behind the counter informed me, “I’ll get that for you.” I was stunned speechless. I can’t even remember what I bought, but the superior customer service will stick with me forever! If that ain’t motivation to sell a novel or two, I dunno what is.
Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have a book or three to crank out. This daydream ain’t gonna fulfill itself.