A Miserable Life
Do you deplore the drive home from work to face the beast lying in wait for you there? Are you sick of the same old burnt meatloaf night after night? How about that dreadful feeling that washes over you when you wake up to that nightmarish mess lying next to you every morning. Shouldn’t coming home be a joyful experience? Haven’t you earned the right to relish in a good steak with all the trimmings? And wouldn’t you rather curl up next to a smokin’ hot sex addict that lives to cater to your every fantasy? You deserve all of that and then some!
If you agree that you could be getting more from life, well then, it’s time to consider grabbing the reins of that boring life of yours and exploring all the fun out there just waiting for you. And we both know that the once wonderful being that now rules your abode with an iron fist and has locked up your manliness somewhere ‘safe’ would not approve of you having a moment of pleasure. How do you get the love of life back you ask? By having an affair, of course! Before you abolish the idea, let’s explore exactly what constitutes an affair.
What Is Cheating?
My wife would kill me if she only knew!
What defines an affair or cheating in a relationship? Most folks believe that cheating covers any breach of the mutually agreed to boundaries of their relationship. This is up to and including sexual monogamy between the two people involved in the relationship. Therefore, if Jimmy John and Linda Sue haven’t verbally agreed upon or written the guidelines of the relationship, there aren’t any rules to break. And if Linda Sue has taken it upon herself to add additional rules without notifying you first or kidnapping your manhood and holding it hostage, then the contract is null and void.
However, if your significant other was wise and outlined the rules, then you will just have to get crafty and find the wiggle room out of the stifling confines of your invisible jail cell. Are you afraid that you might not be up to stealing back your life? Have no fear; I am here to help. I present the 7 ways to find the will to live again, cheat on your boring partner and hopefully not get caught. It could be the best thing to ever happen to you.
Obligatory Disclaimer
Should you decide to use any or all of the following, the author is in no way responsible for any possible outcome that may impact you, your family, your work, your friends, your pets, your mail carrier, your garbage man, the person that serves you coffee or any other being, living or dead, that interacts with you on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly or infrequent basis. By law and for all intents and purposes, you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and acting with or without responsibility for your own actions. You are on your own from here on out. Don’t text and drive. Drink responsibly. Do not operate heavy machinery until you know the effects it may have on you. Live long and prosper. The check is in the mail.
1. Prepaid Cell Phone
Like a candy store!
If you have a cell phone plan, chances are you are getting a monthly usage statement with your bill. If this is the case, you do not want the ole ball ‘n’ chain to discover that you have been making naughty phone calls or raunchy texts to the girl that you sneak away to have hot and steamy interludes with. Pick up a prepaid cell phone, remembering to pay for it with cash, keep it somewhere that the warden is sure not to look and set it on silent mode at all times. Yes, vibrate is fine, because we all know you can use all the stimulation you can get. Don’t forget to use cash when you buy your monthly minutes, too.
2. Prepaid Credit Card Or CASH
Gotta love plastic!
As with the cell phone, if you have a credit card, that monthly account statement is bound to show up at the house and be scrutinized over like a forensic examiner looking for the spec of dirt that points to the murderer. Use cash for everything associated with your new found playmate, like that sexy nighty, dinner at the restaurant you always dreamed about going to, or the hourly no-tell motel in the next town over. If you prefer to use plastic, pick up a prepaid credit card and be sure to keep it safely stashed with the contraband phone.
3. Use A New & Free Email Account
If you feel the desire to wax poetic to your erotic goddess, do not do it from an email that the maiden of mayhem can access. Instead, sign up for a free email account like gmail or yahoo mail. Use public libraries or internet cafes to login and never, ever check your covert account from home or work. You don’t want to leave any trace in the history. Trust me, that detestable bride of yours is a lot more clever and smarter than you ever thought of being.
4. Learn To Lie Like A Pro
You look so HOT!
She that tortures you nightly with indigestible food has a BS detector that bloodhounds would give their first born for. In order to find the time to spend with your nisse of copulation, you will have to develop the ability to weave a tale so convincing that even the Dali Lama would believe it. Befriend a used car salesman and pay him to educate you in the ways of credible yarn spinning. I would offer, but I’m booked for the next 3 years.
5. Sign Up For A League Sport
Bubba’s Backyard Bowling Bastille.
Convince the Guardian of Gently Genitals that you want to start getting into shape and have signed up for a weekly activity like the Manly Man Hockey Association or the Braggers of Bedlam Bowling League. Notify her that it meets three times a week if it actually only convenes twice weekly. This will give you several hours of uninterrupted time with your promiscuous princess.
6. Use Extreme Hygiene
Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen
Keep a hidden travel bag filled with your flavor of soaps, shampoos, and cologne so that you can shower and defunk after your tryst. Also include a lint roller to pick up any loose hairs that may tip off She Who Must Be Feared. Explain to your horny home wrecker that under no circumstances will there be any activity that may produce bruising, rashes, rubs, cuts, or hickeys. Check for lipstick (hers, not yours) and her perfume smell on your clothing. Febreeze as needed.
7. Get Out Of Town
Sign up for some of them out of town classes
Now would be the most opportune time to take your boss up on all those overnight and week-long seminars, training classes, and conventions he’s been threatening you with. Arrange to have your ‘a la cart’ meet you at your out of town hotel but don’t go out on the town with her. You never know when your fellow attendees may run into you again and ask how your lovely wife is doing, while your real wife is standing next to you.
Success!
If yer REAL lucky…
These 7 precautions may help ease the hindrance of hiding an illicit affair. Life on the lam with your Penny Lover, even for a few hours, may far outweigh your painfully wretched life at home with the apathetic and lackluster spouse you committed your eternal love to. An affair may be the answer to ignite the spark you need to feel alive again and remind you why you bother to draw a breath.
